I don’t know what was true and not true with him. He always said he was not a liar and I should trust in him and I believe he honestly believed in that. More I will never know. That’s hard to take, never know!
At the same he drove me crazy with his nagging about what he called his needs. I never figured out what that really was about but I know he took advantage of one year of my life and then he called it a waste of time! That gives me at times thoughts, faint notions that losing him was not a loss but my luck.
But what will I do now with the leftovers of me? Well, unfortunately sorrows seldom kills us but we have to limp on with our life, proud or sprained, with the acquired eggs in our basket, some we asked for and some not, some good and some rotten. And even if I would read all the wellness blogs there are on net (and they are many!), I would still not found a smart recipe how to make a good and tasty omelet out of someone like him.
There are no insurance policies for the mistakes made in life though it’s hard to swallow this fact, loss is loss. It’s obvious he was one of those wrong investments one cannot forget to regret. I’m an intelligent woman and I do my best to use my good brain to cope with this, but my emotional life is a lowbrow, bubbling and disobedient messy stew, which doesn’t allow let the lid be put on.
I could change myself surely, like never more give some people who are approaching me a chance to proof if they’re good or not, even if the odds tells me: no! But at the same I try to be openminded and not have prejudices. An impossible equation?
I read sometimes in magazines about famous couples that have split up, declaring they still are best friends and do separate in peace, such bullshit. There are no happy separations but they all comes with pains, move on alone living with this failure and feeling as to be the big loser. Until past is past and something else comes along for you to deal with.
It’s hard, but I tell myself to try to have patience with the process, let the time flow day by day and let this lousy and gloomy “now” to become a pale past to seldom come to mind. It means for me giving up the imagination he was a part of my life, forever to be. And that is not coming easy!