When I think of him (all the time!)… there’s not so much about having distinct thoughts as about a constant inner awareness, perceiving his existence. He is a living presence in my soul. Living streaming water…
But when this underlying constant awareness of him occasionally reaches my conscious thinking during the day, I begin to think explicit shaped thoughts of him. At first just some sweet and smiling thoughts about him…
…but then comes the great, grown and rational and mouthful self, walking with big feet and taking over my mind having a whole Santa bag full with sensible doubts neat and tidy packed. And this giant delivers me sensible gifted thoughts about obstacles getting what I want to have in my life (him), thoughts that crumbles hopes to be at all able to strive for what I desire. But Santa points out for me I should become sensible and put my energy on what is realistic.
Because my lover I’m told, he’s a totally impossible love object in my part of the world, he just doesn’t fit in! “Birds of a feather stick together.” So if we would like to live together: well, it would just be impossible to make it work! When got to know his opinions and morals and deeds: simply impossible to put up with! And the quarrels we have had because of our differences (those he prefer to call “misunderstandings”): impossible to keep on with, it’s simply unhealthy! Thus, the gaps in age/culture/religions: it all together totally impossible, end of story! And a last stone to overturn the wagon of hope and faith and dreams: what would people think – if they knew! It would turn out to be an impossible everyday life for us both!
So after all these big thoughts from my superego I tell myself, “you see now: it’s impossible and you are crazy if you believe something else, so do yourself a favor and forget about him!” And I hoist that proud flag for a week. (More likely it’s not more than about five day at most I can stand this…).
Because after a few days I becomes so depressed and unhappy, feeling alone as in a ditch of darkness and mud: that’s life “without him!” So I’m calling. And he is always there! It seems impossible that he can be, but he actually is. It’s because he loves me, he has told me. He will love me forever, he has told me.
Every smug person are welcome to think I’m naive. But after a couple of years giving attention to “sensible” and depressing thoughts, I just have to give up such gloomy ruminating: I can’t cope with that kind of “common sense”! That’s what’s impossible to live with!
Now I try to relax and learn to swim in my warm and romantic feelings for him: as he actually is there in my life – and I try to learn to avoid those troubled thoughts about how impossible this love is and just try to teach myself to allow it to be – whatever outcome. Common sense can’t feed my soul and heart, but he can – and if common sense were all we could get in life, then we would all be like living dead.