(Sometimes I’m all mixed up, tottered between longing love and resentment, Paradise in Hell.) Woke up this morning realizing I have opened a line, giving a tool through which he can continue to treat me with his old habitual manner – taking position in an obscure and numb silence, power man and not a lover man. The mystery, people become loved who not have the skill and the will to put love at work. And then it’s the own vulnerable heart on one side and on the other side the deeds of a tone-deaf lover – and you’re forced to take a stand against what you want and desire. So then! I woke up this morning realizing I have opened a backdoor and a free ride for repression – if he want to. (Deep down fooled by the vain hope he would wake up one morning and be the one I wanted him to be.) But giving it a second thought, I concluded: he can do or not do whatever he like, it’s not my table anymore. I’ll be fine. Riding the river in this boat.