The first version of this poem was published August 2015. The story is inspired by the picture, that I liked and want to create something around.
I’m a man of fire and ashes. Every
day is new, I know – but it all feels
like repeats. I try to walk straight,
but constantly stumbles on my feet.
Time and time again and all my life
I’ve walked this pier there my future
and its end seemed to be same: just
dead ends. I’ve at times been stuck
in my own anger and fear, because I
couldn’t reach out for the closeness
and love that was wanted and offered
me. There were other times when all
that expected lovey-dovey made me
feel like I was going to be choked.
I’ve avoided it all and I walked alone –
but then came all the self-loathing and
self-pity; I felt so small and lonely and
abandoned and I was ashamed for all
what I couldn’t provide; longing – but
I was used to the old tracks and I didn’t
believe I could create better for myself –
I was simply a sad and lonely mess and
I thought I wasn’t worth anything.
Oh, but you woman – can you see me now?
All fear I carry in me? Your love demand
me to fly when all I can is crawl! But if you
let me – I’ll crawl all the way to your heart,
because it’s my hidden desire to love you!
But yet, it’s much I want and little I can!
Oh, some of my days I’m filled with hope, but
others are nothing but despair. But no matter
how the day is, I’ll take my walk along the pier;
I walk my walks to see the sea and the horizon.