Each opinion having more than two adherents becomes a group, which soon enough creates a set of rules and rituals to promote the group’s survival and then a strictly worded creed will be demanded by the individual for to be embraced by the group’s warm holiness – but that is nothing for me. I have to break up and leave to walk my own way. Although I hate loneliness, I hate equal much and intense the oppression in togetherness.
But twosomeness is something I strive and craves for. Still, howsoever eager my heart is – it always seems to be abandoned or neglected and end up alone in a studio apartment with a kitchenette. It’s only me and the cat and a closet stuffed with my pink romantic dreams – and at times tears under the blanket in dark nights.
All the time you knew me I was a real person, one of a million. You could have welcomed me in your life and been proud to be loved by someone as unique as I am. But you came and went again and again and you talked my head full about your love for me and you got me to suffer and cry. And without a word of farewell you threw me away, as if I were nothing but a bag of garbage.
In disarray, yet all that’s me is the same as before. But on the floor is all the trash you made of what was you and me and trust. And it must be dealt with and I won’t hide it in shame, but look at what happened between us and document the findings of my investigations, anyone to see or read. No space for hard feelings in what is objectified!
But who tells what dwells inside others shells!
I hide much hate in my heart, gathered during a long and troublesome life. But I do not allow the hatred to control me. It’s just my compass that always shows truly what actually was done to me. I don’t forget or forgive. I just don’t want to be reminded about it, but let it go.
When you pulled yourself away in hurt silence for weeks and weeks, I felt (and feel) like you exercises power over me to punish me – and that you never loved me for real? But if your love was only a pretending to be, I’m still proud someone as desirable as you chose to pretend being in a relationship with me. And you made me stronger, smarter and braver than ever before – but though only by leaving me? That last is too hard!
You really want to stay with me – and you wish you could leave me. But you don’t want me to be such a fighter. And you wonder how someone so kind to you can give you so many troublesome conflicts, tear you apart?
And common sense tells us both “you and I” will never work, even if our hearts disagree with that statement and suffers.
But what is “common sense”? Well, it’s nothing that comes from two lovers’ hearts, it comes from the surroundings everybody belongs to and are corded to. It is groups and groups and groups… only to think about them at all, it is smothering me.
Please love me, but don’t put a bridle on me.