I once wrote a post called “Love has no limits”. I can’t in the minute recall the content, but I think it was about the discrimination of homosexual people in the world (outside Scandinavia). Life though teach you more the harsh way and I must now add – there are certain limits for love you can’t transgress.
Here is a moral story as an example:
A woman (in Europe) met some years ago a man from North Africa on a web site and one thing led to another. A longtime friendship over a couple of years led to a romance. And they certainly came to talk about meeting. The conversations also revealed the two hoped for more than a coffee and talk…
But sadly neither of them were wealthy and had in reality no money for any travels abroad. So this travel plans for meeting were on ice for a time – as a wish for the future they though believed would become true one day. Yet it was obvious it would be easier for the woman to travel than for the man, because of the general and economic difficulties to get a tourist visa to her country.
And time passed… Getting to know each other better, fragments stories of past life came up in their chats, such as life conditions and earlier relations and sexual experiences.
The man in this story lives in a country there unmarried sex is a crime, there women are expected to be virgins when they marry. If a family girl “gets in circumstances” (meaning get pregnant without being married), she is banned and thrown out of the family home to live on the street – if not finding another place to stay. The only way to survive is on prostitution.
On the other hand young men are supposed to “respect” family girls and not scandalize them with their sexual desires. So their sexual experiences comes from what the particular man in this story discreetly called “paid sex”.
That’s what he told when the woman asked him about his earlier relationships, “you pay for it”. Little did he know that the woman would react negatively on this accidentally given information!
There came to a pause in the romance after this disastrous information. (She lost her sexual desire for him and distrusted their friendship too.) But – she missed him and decided to forget about this “culture conflict” and continue the relationship.
It was not the first “culture conflict” they have had, but it was the worst – so far. He had “of course” not a clue he was “forgiven” for anything . as he in his own eyes always had behaved morally good in life. Furthermore – and still in his eyes, she was the moral missing link because she was not religious and was therefore doomed to hell.
He had once told her he hated hypocrites. Now she claimed he was exactly that – a hypocrite! He was baffled and didn’t understand why this “insult” sudden came from her.
But – and to shorten the story a bit… the woman told him later, when the travel plans came up again, he had to go for a HIV testing (STD testing) before she would travel to see him. He refused with a simple “no”. She was shocked.“You say NO? Are you kidding me?” He did not!
When she insisted, he told her (patiently) people in his country was aware that this sickness exits! But he did not believe he had it. And therefore he would not do any testing. Simply! Furthermore he claimed she should trust him as he had always been “careful”. He did not say what this “careful” was about. But he did tell her he had made the testing 3 years earlier and since then only have had sex with one female friend, last 4 months ago.
She asked who the woman was and he said she was just a friend – one of the girls he and his friends used to socialize with in evenings on cafes…
“Oh!”, she said.
Because she had (of course) googling a lot about his country and knew from many sources family girls are not allowed to go out in evenings with young men that way. Those girls seen in the night life are prostitutes, or considered to be prostitutes.
”Who are you trying to fool, me or yourself”, she asked him. “What do you mean”, he asked.
She did not answer that particular question. But kept on insisting on he had to test himself. And he refused again – and again. And again! But he also told her he was very proud over himself for this denials – because he could have lied to her, namely! But he did not, he said. He “would not go and test himself and he would not lie to her about it”, he declared, proud of himself.
Oh, what a hero!
But this was the end of discussion. As far it came to him.
Not for her though. “Do you think you are dealing with a woman in your country”, she said rough. “What do you mean”, he asked. She did not explain herself.
Apparently he felt honorable, yes – he did not violate family girls, and he did not see any wrong in “paid sex”, and he did not lie to her about refusing to test himself – and furthermore, he loved her! So she should trust him, he claimed.
And that was that! This was actually the end of this romance.
But… She did not want to give him up! Even though she felt repulsed hearing him saying things like he said. No, but she told him he would be crazy if he thought she would accept to have sex with him under those conditions he postulated.
“Now you did it again”, he said instant upset. “Did what?”, she asked. “Called me crazy”, he said. “It’s a common expression in English”, she said (patiently). “It simply mean your arguments are not sensible.” But he did not accept that explanation from her. She had insulted him!
“Listen, whatever – you have to go testing yourself”, she said again. “What you told me is a risk behavior and whatever your personal view is about it, it’s irrelevant – but you ask me to ‘trust you’!! I would be crazy in your interpretation of the word to even consider to be in the same room as you!”
“And I will never travel to see you under such conditions!”
With no more words he stopped writing to her without even end the relationship, and did not answer any of her “hello?”
Facts: This man has lived in the same city all his life. The official medical reports in his country, tells that the presence of HIV disease is higher and more rampant among sexually promiscuous people in this city than other cities around the country. And he had said to her: “I have had paid sex in many years and so often I can not even remember how many times …”
The End of the End:
The woman comment the silence from the man, by saying to her adult son: “This is beyond all limits: I would have had to go to the vet to vaccinate the cat for be able to board her on a cat shelter while I would travel abroad to see him. I would certainly have to pay for this care – and I guess it’s not cheap. I would have had before travel go to health center to vaccinate myself. I would have to ensure I have enough insulin with me and having a proper health insurance. I would have to involve you in this to go with me as I have never traveled alone abroad so far before. I would have been forced to take a loan I can’t afford to be able to pay for the travel, for the hotel and for food. I would have had to contact our embassy in his country, recommended to do of political reasons. And he? What would he do??? Nothing! He even refused to go to the nearest health center to take a simple HIV test. This is so bad!”
“So you finally got the picture of this guy”, said the woman’s son dryly.
“What’s he sudden said!”, the woman thought surprised. Though she pretended not to hear his negative comments, but said: “God, what he has humiliated me!. I feel so devastated over all this!”. “Well, just forget about it”, her son said. “I want to rent a cottage for us nearby this summer and take the cat with us …”
Note my moral call with the story: Even if the woman in this story had been wealthy and used to travel around the world on her own, she would never had travelled to meet him. Because love has limits. If a man (or a woman) refuses to go and test himself or herself for sexual diseases when meeting a new partner – and demands you to “trust” him/her, this person abuses you, and this even before initiating the relationship. It is not love!
Once she asked him “But if your sister became pregnant without being married?” “Then she would have to pay for her mistake for the rest of her life”, he said. “And you talks about the loving and caring family ties in your culture”, she said.