Lovers and friends (essay)

If I were truly loved, I would not have felt lonely when I was told. And words alone can not dispel the melancholy enchantment in my deserted solitude. Love is actions and not declarations.

I have a secret pain: there is this man I fancy, but who I believe only wants the benefits of what a living with me would be. And I can’t accept it. But it would be nice though. To be loved!

It’s sad really – people nowadays seems not to know the difference between to be attracted to someone and self-seeking     “love”. People around them is mainly looked up to as objects to satisfy private and selfish needs.

I met a man the other day just for coffee and a friendly chat. Now I’m depressed because he brought his “needs” on the table – and getting a man’s genitals in my cup with coffee is not what I find tasty.

So I’m a bit low and disapponted at the moment… Yes well, my son said to me it was anyway a nice try, but I’m tired of trying!

I like men more than women as friends! But this kind of talk certainly put a friendship to death.

Love and lust have very little to do with what some men call        “needs”. Those men talking “my needs” seems to be completely unaware what an embarrassment they can be to a woman.

If I fancy a man my mind is occupied with the cause to get to unzip his jeans. I simply can’t get this urge out of my head when he’s away and all I can hope he has the same desire for me.

Yes, if I desire and love a guy, all in me seeks for him and him only. All the rest of men in this whole world are of no interest. I just fancy them for coffee and talking politics and art and food and sports and “life” and that sort of things.

I really don’t want to hear about their “needs”. Yuk!

Who can, by the way, get a desire for a man who wants nothing more than to satisfy his physical needs? It’s easier to get fulfillment with a man wanting you for money, he’s at least focused on you and not on himself. Have men in this times forgot the art of courting a woman?

Friends and lovers…! I need friends to be friends and stay friends. But it’s not easy to get friends in mature age. Because as aged, we have all a history and some of us has a more traumatic story than others.

Simply – once early burned you have your waste land forever where nothing can grow, but there even a gentle breeze in dry grass raises days in despair with killing pains to fight.

But you surely can sniff your “brothers in arms” instantly when you meet them. It’s subconscious recognition in the early phase of a meeting. Yet past and harmful experiences is not a good basis for a loving relationship. That can be the cause why bad relationships repeats themselves.

But everyone, dysfunctional or not, has some good qualities. I once knew a guy who never said a word about love but he tapped on my door commonly every day when he passed by, just to see how I was doing.

With time we became close but it showed he was not a nice person to be with. And I was also told he was no good and it was certainly true. Yet, he cared about me. Yet I loved him dearly for a short time in my life, whether he was worth it or not. I was not thinking along such lines.

When he left town and moved far off, the sadness after him was intense but short-lived. But the relief to have survived him lasted long.

Yet, all hassle around him the time we were together is barely remembered in my memory books. But his gentle knocks on my door certainly are. So I remembers the good he was and not the bad.

You might want to say facts stay facts and dysfunctional relationships are bad, whatever times goes by. Yes, it’s true of course and I don’t deny it.

Memories, yes… but what are memories? All what once occurred becomes to viewed images in dim lights. Can you trust the distant illuminations of them? Was is so good? Was it really so bad?

Those images changes over time beyond your hand and will. And still they can be malleable as clay in your hands.

Only pains remain same.

What I say is – it’s possible a soft and gentle tapping once upon a time on your door, made a good labeling on your soul and now walks with you to a future that can be happy and all yours.

Yes, I want to believe in that. And I want to believe it is possible to be loved without being utilized. I want to believe a man and a woman can be friends and just friends.



This entry was posted in create life, friendship, poems by vonnely, vänskap and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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