I’m lying to myself

barefoot-walking-cropped 2So far a lovely sunny summer and I’ve walked around free and barefoot. But today I sit indoors with one foot on a stool, because yesterday I sudden slipped on some drops of spilled water on the kitchen floor and my big body heavy fell and I landed hard and painful on one knee and twisted one foot.

And I remained seated on the floor for a while almost in tears of shock and pain.

And then the moment after a ghost named “everything in my whole entirely life!” came and pulled its black sack over my head and mind… and it all was just “too much”. So I just sat there on the floor in tears and felt sorry for myself.

But I certainly could not stay long like that sitting on my kitchen floor, so after some minutes in tragedy I checked my knee and foot and as nothing was broken I slowly got up on my feet again.

Yes… so now I sit here with one foot on a stool. It’s nothing to watch on TV and I don’t feel for reading or any. So I devote myself to self-examination, matching the pain in my big toe I gloomy look at. And I have been writing this below:

a_hand_writing1

 

 

 

I’ve always chosen to believe  what
a man tells me about his heart is true,
until his ways proves me otherwise.
Yes, it’s what I tell myself, but truly,
truly I can lie, I’m lying to myself.

Too many times I’ve cheated myself
not to believe all evidence showing
he wasn’t the man he once told me
he were. Because truly, truly I can
lie, I lie to myself.

I tell myself it’s not possible to look
someone in the eyes and not be true,
because I want to believe others are
as honest with me as I am with them.
But truly, truly I can lie, I’m lying to
myself.

I lie to myself because I wish so much
to meet a pure heart able to love me.
Yes, I want to find a lasting love before
my life is over. And truly, truly I can lie,
I’m lying to myself.

I can be lied to a thousand times – as
that’s how far my longing takes me. But
the thousand and one time I weep for my
poor heart, then I walk away – because
truly, truly I can’t lie, I’m not lying more
to myself.

I no longer put my trust in people, but
I still choose to believe the one I come
close to, as I trust dishonesty in end
reveals itself – but truly, truly I can lie,
I’m lying to myself.

And I struggle with my desires and my
fears, to belong and to be free, but I trust
my strong heart is able to take it all – all
lies and losses – but truly, truly I can lie,
I’m lying to myself.

 

öppen dörr mot jpeg

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