(the quotes from different poems by Tomas Tranströmer are translated by me for this context only to fit my lines and get the meaning for the English readers om my blog)
It’s February and the light returns –
everything will wake and open up. But
the shadows in me are chased up from
their safe houses: I’m on the firing line,
not feeling good for what may will be.
In bed but before I turn out the light,
I regularly read a few lines by my
favorite poet Tomas Tranströmer –
to please me and get some peace;
put the flickering shadows to sleep.
”In February living stood still.
The birds flew not willingly and the soul
chafed against the landscape like a boat
chafe against the dock it moored to.”
I still remember myself seventeen
years old down in the snow, the black
firs stood silent witnesses, I looked up
at the dark sky and I knew I was to be
killed; I didn’t want it and had never
expected it, but I was far from fear.
God watched over me then. But why?
Many February’s have passed since then.
Life was not good to me then and never
ever after – shattered hopes and dreams,
a shit life really – I haven’t accomplished
anything! So why do I have to live?
I only see one thing in my life that’s good,
and that’s me. I’m so brave strong and so
blinded, fighting to survive, yet
my own enemy.
I can’t deny the contradictions in me.
Happiness is simply not my thing, you
can trust on that! But I am a loner who
hates to be left alone. If you drop me
out of sight for a day, I will in a blink
become Hamlet with his laughing skull.
“When darkness came I was still, but
my shadow banged on the drumhead
of hopelessness.” (Tranströmer again).
I am as shy and withdrawn as ever
before. But my shadow is loud and
wordy and my life is a treasure for
stories, good or bad told. I’m none
and everyone in the poem frame.
Every person a halfway open door,
who lead to a room for everybody.”
That is my belief and my lifesaver –
it brings me to you – and you to me!