Once born into a poor family and later in life never earned money enough to buy for more than every days needs, I’ve never had my own bed.
Ie. a good, comfortable bed bought only for me…. I really never have had a good man either – before I met Mr. Goodman.
Oh, he was so nice and I had to speak English with him… Sweet words like from heaven above and like sweet strawberries and whipped cream on a green meadow and kisses bubbling like champagne flowing down my neck… (sigh, sigh, sigh!). I even started to think in English and write my poems in English… Yes, I was and am a romantic fool – but just see what a production he has been the cause of, he surely paid off… But then he did something unforgivable, and I took my money to buy me a bed, and not saving them for a flight ticket to him….
So when my son came home for his summer visit we went to IKEA…. Oh, what a long and painful afternoon in the store that was – I almost got a life crisis. I said to my son in a mix of agony and grim humour, when thinking of all money spending on modest little old lady like me “but just think about it – if I buy this bed today and then get a heart attack tomorrow, all the money is wasted for nothing, no…?”
And the skinny and withered (but surely younger) clerk woman at the counter a bit away from me, turned around and just looked at me (for long) with a face appropriate for a guest on a funeral (not my funeral, as I really have no plans to die). God! What a shame! But I stared back at her. And I made me strong and went to her counter and made the buy….
When we a moment later was dealing with the home delivery of the bed with another store clerk, I came to think about Mr Goodman and became ambivalent again (OMG! What am I going to do with a bed (with my life!) not having him, it’s better to be dead!!!), and I said to my son (but first looking and keep my tongue until no ears around!):
“Before I had a boyfriend but no bed, now I have a bed but no boyfriend…(!)”
“But you can still get one…” my son said kindly. Not convinced yet docile I said “Well, I will call this bed my Optimist boat, in my dreams it will take me far away – and I’m really just another lone sailor on an endless sea looking for love…”
After the bed was delivered and then installed in my bedroom by my son, he went back to his own (single) life. And I shared my first night in my first own bed with my sad tears over Mr Goodman and my foolishness with men…
Yes, but seriously – being alone and looking for love, it’s a voyage for everyone sometimes in life. But some just want to cure their own loneliness, and I’m not that humble about love as I am about beds. I really hate men approaching me for their own satisfactions and not for wanting me, being desirable for them.
It’s seems to be a typical woman task, not to tell pushy men: ”Nothing in world would make me attracted to you!” No, you just can’t say into people’s face “Not even if you were the only man on a desert island I would let you touch me”…. so you just sit there trying to be nice, hoping “this idiot!” will get it soon, and leave you in peace…
He: “Hi Vonnely! Have been looking up this site to see if you would be on to chat. How are you? It has been some relaxing time for me. I am off work for at least three weeks. I am not really getting out because it is raining cats and dogs.
She: “It was some time ago. I said something hard to you and you went off – so I thought… but maybe not, well – hello again then :))
He: “No, Vonnely. I did not take it like that. I was afraid that I had offended you. Anyway, it is good that we are now on even keel.”
She: “Okay, fine… good! So how is life with you?”
He: “I am ok but sometimes I am very lonely because I am single. It can be a difficult life. I hope to find someone to settle down with someday. For me, the most important thing is to love and be loved.”
She: “Well, I know about loneliness as I live on my own.”
He: “Isn’t it difficult for you sometimes? Don’t you wish for a sharing moment?
She: “Yes, of course I do, but it’s not easy to get.
He: “I didn’t know that would be a problem at your end of the world. In my country, most women would remain in a relationship because we men have to support them in everything. No money, no love find.”
She: “I heard that before from A*** men. But you know – I have some female pen pal from A*** too, and they have a point of view too… ”
He: “Are they denying our claims?”
She: “How do you mean? All I know they want love, but of course… those women are good and hard working women, those bad I delete…”
He: “Tell anyone of them that a man from L*** seeks an independent woman who will love him and be loved in return. Not for money. I also do not want her for her money.”
She: “I have two female pen pals closer to you. I’ll send the addresses.”
He: “How about you? Do you want to attempt? Can we start as friends and see how it goes? It could take some time; building up trust and confidence.”
She: “I don’t mind be friends. But I have no interest create more than a friendship. If that is okay with you?”
He: “You must be afraid of being hurt again. I understand. Once beaten by a snake, you will leap when you see a worm.”
She: “Hahaha…. I like you!”
He: “Thank you very much. I am happy that I make you laugh. This is what I like. I am a lovable person, Vonnely. Give me a chance. It is a plead.”
She: “I’m not cured from the snake yet… can’t we just be friends?”
He: “How about just stepping outside our comfort zones and see what we have around us. Love is all around us, isn’t that so?”
He: “I think you are putting yourself in a state of self-denial.”
She: “:) what do you mean?”
He: “I think you are just too afraid. I understand that. But you have to let go and give it a try.”
She: “I told you what I want – friendship.”
He: “Ok, Vonnely. I am not gonna be pushy. Let’s give it some time, Ok?
He: “Good night, Vonnely. Have to rest now. It is late here.”
She: “Goodnight, sleep tight.”
(I know I will sleep well – on my own, and in my own new bed.)