It makes me crazy to wake up again at five am and not be able
to go back to sleep; it’s always something, it’s a dream bland
still worrying, it’s late soothing tea now stress the bladder, it’s
the newspaper man with his squeaking little barrow under my
bedroom window, it’s someone always takes a shower at this
early time and the pipes are really loud in this house, it’s the cat
who wakes up bored and goes to her toilet and make noise and
then she complain over the smell from her activities and over
no food on her plate in the kitchen, it’s the neighbour upstairs
who nowadays luckily not shouting and hitting the walls anymore,
but can’t sleep either and do some hobby work sounding as he
chopping onions, but I guess he’s not, so whatever he’s doing so
very quietly not to disturb people around, that sneaking he has
established is really a wake…
And awake but not rested my brain works with this and that and
I can’t help myself from thinking of my amazing and tremendous
burning love that just faded to tepid ash.
You abandon me, he said. But I was thinking – but you abandoned
me first! I was so unhappy and all he ever said was “you have no
reason to be unhappy” – and one day he said it again irritated and
cold and it became very silent inside me and in that silence from
my deepest centre a simple “No more!” was said.
And now in early morning unable to sleep I become sad – forced to
face there’s no happy endings in love, but more or less of remorse
and resentment. We were not able to sort things out, now I must
be the wise one and drop it and leave the man alone.
I didn’t want to be unhappy and now I’m sad, and why am I sad –
I’m sad because I want to be happy and not sad!
… oh, why can’t I sleep?