He left her. She didn’t die. As she had feared at the time she would do. But time went on and so did she too. She read one day a gossip in a magazine on line about George Clooney, where he was alleged to have said in an interview – as he had his 50th birthday the year before and was single again – he felt lonely sometimes in empty nights. And it was a photo there of him too with that special face and creepy charmer smile saying: “yes I know I am very good looking man and my smile is so appealing and charming, so like me and love me, please”. And this his charisma made her recall the man she once had loved so much, and how he instantly approached people with his big smile and nice face. He came into her barren and deserted heart and filled it to the brim, and right from the start she was so deeply in love with him.
He got people so easily to like him with his charm, but even though it was what he wanted, his frustration and anger soon came next. “Everybody wants something from me”, and “They want to eat me”, he said very often to her, and he looked both flattered and disgusted. And then came those unpredictable occasions lacking any sense, when he seemed to live out the pressure in him into outburst of rage, and walked around in the rooms in his apartment and beat on doors and walls, screaming and shouting out his wrath and scared her with his angry and humiliating words and absurd allegations. He forced her into crying and even breakdowns, that almost frighten her as much as he did. But it didn’t stop him, only made him feel offended by her, and furious he demanded apologies from her. And he attacked her even more, when she refused to give him any. And finally she broke down and rushed back to her home only wanting to die, crying all nights through. But she still loved him so much.
With time everything that happened allowed her to see his soul and it was such a sad and depressing sight. It was like standing in the door to an empty and burned out room. One could see some fragments of trash on the floor, most of the walls were black with soot, the fire had burned out long time ago and the smell of it had vanished and there was nothing left in the atmosphere, but silence and emptiness. Still one could see it once was a room for home life, but everything in it and all trace of him were gone. But she still loved him so much.
Yet he had a tightened mind, and clear memories of a while he had a life and his soul was in God, and he tried desperately to bring back life and sentiment into those memories, in order to get rid of his callousness in his present life. Meanwhile he imitated how he recalled what it was like to live and socialize. He thought he could fool himself and others to believe he was a living among living. No charmer smile could, however, help him those painful moments when he faced his truth. He was what he was, abused since an infant and never gotten the love and care he needed during growth, dealing with unspeakable horror as an adult and never getting peace anywhere. There was no mercy for him, and he was shown such an empty and lonely creature he was, in a barren and inhuman world. And so he had his times of deep and boundless anxiety when he never wanted to see anyone for hours or days. And all he afterwards could do to explain his absences, was to say he had been sick, and often he was it too, as he didn’t take care of himself properly, or that other people fussed with him and caused him problems, and often it was like that too, as he never were there he should be and did what he should do, and never could follow a line. And everything in his life was a mess all the time, all the time. And his head ached. And his stomach ached. And he could not sleep. And the horrors he been through haunted him in flashing images behind his eyeballs. And he brutally shoved her away. But she still loved him so much.
Beaten into pieces by the evil and violence in this world, and cruelties no one ever should have to witness, so he was and so he is and so he will be. But still he is only one of millions crushed and broken humans. Still they all need sweet loving caring from someone special, still they all are unable to cope with it. What will we do with all those damaged people when love is the need and yet cannot be of any help? She stood as an outsider and could not take him on her, and still she loved him and got him all over her and it almost killed her. God gave her to him, and God saved her from him. But she still loved him so much.
He said “I never became older than seven years, my life just stopped when my mom gave me away”. And when she later on remembered his words, and in retrospect realized his immaturity, she was thinking “My god, I haven’t only had sex with a younger man, I’ve had sex with a man who never grew up and still was like a child”. And as the immature and scared boy he was he kept his relation with her as a secret, or denied it in front of his friends and countrymen. But still it was his profound masculine charisma that attracted her to him. And in spite his denial of her, she still loved him so much.
There were moments she hated him for how badly he treated her, and regretted all she had done and still did for him. But at times enough was enough, she could again only see that battered boy and young man, and then it was hard for her to blame him for his bad behaviour. It seemed to her as he never could gain an insight that his mum once in his early age gave him up to save his life so at least he could live and get a life. Maybe his head understood it, but his heart didn’t, and it badly infected his present life. And this his inability made it impossible for her to hate him for long, and her compassion disarmed her common sense. And she still loved him so much.
Whatever people would have liked to say to her, still only she had the whole picture of their relation. She kept it to herself, but she knew pretty well none had before came her so near as he did, and no one else had learned her so much about not to hide away, but face things and not give in.
But for him – it was not the same. All he had told her about himself worried him, and one night he strongly asked her to make a promise to never write any about him, nor even talk about him. But she got furious and told him that this time he was far, far over the line. And then they had the worst and longest quarrel ever. She told him all she ever could write about was her own story and experiences. But he never gave her credit she too could have a story, but accused her as before, to use him for love and for inspiration and for getting a better health. “That is what is called projections”, she said sarcastic. But in spite her critical mind and her frustration in daily life with him and all those awful quarrels and breakups they had, she still loved him so much.
Time passed and it was time for him to move and go on with his life in another place. In the future he wanted work to give others a better life, so he had told her. “Just the same as your mum once wanted for you”, she said. And maybe he will make it, she thought to herself. After all, he was still pretty young. Whether he could do it or not, he would never be able to forget her, because she gave him the keys for it, as giving him money and made all of his take-home exams with honors, no honor for any. And he said it too, and he said he would always be grateful for her help and support.
When she talked about her fear they would lose contact, he said it would only happen if they wanted it to happen. “I hold the line, you’ll never hear me say goodbye”, he said. And he seemed to believe talk like that would comfort her. Bosh! Well, it didn’t matter, there were no future for her anyway, except dying and be buried. So she felt, sad as hell. Her truth had caught up with her, she was just someone to be remembered, never belonging to anyone, but only for a time be a tool to use and throw away. Yes, he could talk and talk, big talker, but she was nothing now but a bleeding, tormented and humiliated piece of meat. Losing him, it was like life was over for her. Because she still loved him so much.
At the time of his move from town and all doings with that, she met some of his friends, and she could not avoid to be confronted with he was nothing but white lies and evasions. And a slight incident became too much, and the straw that breaks the camel’s back, she just couldn’t make it any more. She collapsed and cried two days straight off and non stop. Because she could cope with everything, but not with lies. And when they met after those two days and he held her tight, she started to cry again and now again she simply couldn’t stop. And he held her all the way through, and didn’t push her away this time. And then he made her some herbal tea with honey and they sat in silence in his living room with only the light from the street lamp outside the window, and she said quietly “I love you, you know”. And he said “and I love you too, but I wish you would trust me…” And she said “Yes, but I don’t”. But after that night she was calm and cried no more. But she still loved him so much.
When she at times ponder about all what went on between them and the hate wounded her, she also remembered he always had an open door for her, and that he for a time was her best friend. She could drop by every single day, for tea and talk or just sneak in and creep under his blanket and put her arms around his solid body, and in his arms she felt so secure as a newborn baby in its mother’s arms. And she was complete happy only to breath his sweet breathing. And her empty hands and arms couldn’t forget how lovely it was to touch him, and how much she once loved him.
But she knew all the time through it all, she had to see him as responsible for his actions and not as the victim he saw himself as, and that she could not allow herself to forget about all breakdowns he caused her, and all tears and sadness and pains. She had loved him with her life at stake and she never ever wants to love anyone like that again. But she has never regretted she loved him, because he brought passion back in her life. And she still loves him for that.
So he left and half a year passed by. And she did not die of losing him, as she so absolutely had believed she would do. And one day being online she read in a net paper about that Clooney guy. And this reading reminded her of the man she once had loved so much.
And when she looked at the photo of this carefree smiling man, she could hardly believe it was true she once had fallen for that kind of charming lad. But it was for her, as for the glossy guy in the net paper, she too felt lonely at nights. And time still passed on and another half a year went by. And so one day he came back, he stood at her front door and surprised her. And he smiled and said “you’re looking good!” But she didn’t, she could see in the hall mirror behind him. She had become fat. And then he sat in her sofa and talked about his life and his problems. And he said he would visit some friends and family, and then come back later the same evening. And she looked at him and he was so familiar and still he was a stranger. And he waited for her to touch him, but she kept the distance. And she let him go and locked her door and was thinking for a while. Then she called him on phone and said “don’t come back any more”. Because she didn’t love him any-more.
But her firm conclusion became, if such a passionate love as the one she had for him simply could die and be forgotten, then there is no point to ever love again. Or is it?
Written 25 February 2012, rewritten 8 – 10 October 2012
The line “I hold the line, you’ll never hear me say goodbye”, is a quote from Bon Jovi’s song “Whole lot of Leavin’”